Self analysis: What do I want? Where am I? How far have I come?

by Steel Witch

I've been getting pissed off at myself recently. I like to be good at the things I do. I mean, that's only natural. Everyone is that way! Who starts learning something new with the stated goal of being mediocre at it? “Yeah man, I'm learning guitar. Just you wait! I'm gonna be the freakng averegest guitar player you'll ever see!” You'll never hear anyone say that. (As I type this, some guy in Massachusetts is saying that exact thing: “Yeah man, twice as average as that other dude.”)

So what does this have to do with anything, and why am I typing it up for you to read? I've started to feel recently that I'm just not being Wiccan hard enough. Sure, I work on an ezine on Wicca and am getting published in a book about Witchcraft and wear my pentacle like it's going out of style... but it's the mundane stuff that's starting to throw me for a loop. I've been practicing for short of two years now and things just aren't moving quite as well as I expected—I'm having problems with even the basics of energy work and meditation. Shouldn't I be commanding phenomenal cosmic power, journeying to the spirit world, and chatting with the gods over tea in the morning by now? Jeez, all those books make it sound so easy. Just relax, feel all your problems melting away. Done? Great, now you don't have any more problems. Maybe it is all of the grimoires I've been looking at recently. I've got books that tell me how to reach gnosis through meditation, dancing, sex, sex-dancing, meditation-sex, illegal drugs, 4/4 breathing, or mudras. I can find numerous ways to banish a spirit or create a spirit or become a spirit or turn a part of you into a spirit so you can banish it or invoke or evoke or... you get the picture. Looking at all these cool things I can't do sometimes make me feel crappy, like I can't do anything. My most recent slump inspired me to write this article.

A voice spoke to me as if from on high (or in my head--as if it makes a difference) and said: “Look ye not upon what ye cannot do, but look instead on what ye can.” Solid advice, that. And not only should I look at my skills, but I should spend a little time focusing on how I've changed since I moved from passive sorta-pagan guy to active Wiccan around a year and a half ago. If your journey is infinite in length, the only way to measure progress is by looking at how far you've come instead of how far you have to go.

Self-analysis is important—really important—in situations like this. When I sat down to look at the past months, things I never noticed before became apparent. The way I interact with the world has become completely different!

I'm more connected to the earth now. It was hard to notice because I don't “Feel the rhythm of the seasons” or anything grandiose like that. But now, I am incredibly conscious of my effect on the environment. I don't drink bottled water if I can help it, instead filling my own container from a tap before work. I have a reusable coffee mug and reusable tupperware for my lunches. I do my best to get through the work day without throwing anything away. I try to use the reusable grocery totes at the store, too, but whenever I buy them I forget them at home... eh, baby steps. This is all new in my life.

I relate to animals differently as well. Insects don't frighten me like they used to. Road kill saddens me. Wildlife makes me happy, mostly. I'm still scared of gators. I really noticed my changing relationship with animals when my girlfriend and I were walking through the Walmart parking lot and we spied a feather. I habitually pick them up, but this one I didn't touch. “It's a vulture feather,” I said, “And it's going to be some time before I get to wash my hands so I think I'll leave it alone.” My girlfriend asked me how I knew it was a vulture feather. Well, it was obvious to me! It just looked like a feather a vulture would have. That's when it hit me: I had started to pay enough attention to birds to know what their feathers looked like. Somewhere along the line I had started watching birds and started learning their appearances, habits, and cries. It was shocking to notice this since I'd never been one to give a damn before.

My relationship with the gods has changed along with everything else. I never expected to relate to any particular gods, but my dining room has recently become host to a shrine to Hermes. We're building a relationship slowly and I am starting to sense his presence in weird ways, mainly while driving. I always thought people who have conversations with their deities were a little crazy, but now it's starting to happen to me.

The one area that makes me feel the worst is my magick. Yes, I know, we're not supposed to be Wiccans for magick, it's supposed to be a religious experience that may or may not have spells attached. Whatever. I became a witch for witchcraft, and the religious experience is sort of following along. This is the one area where I have to really look carefully in order to find my achievements, to find how I have changed, since it is the area which is making me feel the worst. I haven't quite mastered the art of summoning dragons from the astral, but let me tell you about what I have learned beyond the basics:

• I've worked frequently with a simple system of candle magick.
• I've made talismans.
• I've gotten much better at sensing my own energy and channeling it, and improved moderately at sensing other people's and environmental energies.
• I've banished some spirits who came to my house to sit on me.
• I've blessed a house and made wards.
• I've developed real preferences with regards to tools and materials for spell use. I understand instinctively the difference between an athame and a wand, and I know I like found materials (snake skins, feathers, spare change) over packaged herbs, crystals, and candles. I prefer items that have been charged through their own experiences rather than an infusion of energy.
• I've learned to make runes.
• I've sort-of learned to read tarot. I just need a lot more practice.
• I've begun to work with a spirit entity who is not the Lord or Lady.

Pretty good list, eh? There's plenty more I didn't write. Reading over that list makes me smile. I HAVE come a long way, and it is important to acknowledge that.

Self-analysis is harped on constantly. Write in your journal! Know thyself! Explore your mind! Just make sure when you are performing your self analysis you ask these following questions: “What is my goal?” “Where am I going?” “How far is left to go?” And, more importantly, “How far have I come?” Take a little pride in what you've done! There's a lot of space between humility and hubris, so don't feel bad feeling good about yourself.

Comments

[Lynette Bailey]

this so sounds like how I feel.

[Rodwen]

This is exactly how I feel.

[Lorelle]

This is a wonderful post. It's true that it doesn't matter how much you do but how you do it! Every witch is unique in their talents but are all viewed equally by the God and Goddess. This religion is not a contest--its a way of life. We have plenty of time, and I guarantee you no one is holding a score card.